He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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