True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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