So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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