i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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