I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
