Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.