if i can run in heels then i can drive
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks