the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
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no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
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i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?