girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.