i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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