Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
