seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
