i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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