yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
