i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
