hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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