I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
