it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
