FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
