My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
