so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
