Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
