The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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