My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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