i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
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I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
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Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
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