Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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