i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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