i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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