I wish life had little blips of pornography
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
