we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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