I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
