We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
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We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
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He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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