I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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