I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
