please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
