i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
