just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
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