first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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