Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
