i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
