I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
