Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
