If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
