Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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