I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
even my farts smell like vagina
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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