This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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