never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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