I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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