im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
