Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
