Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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