I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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