i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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