then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
