Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
