If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
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