TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
