so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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