Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
you had me at cake vodka
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
