If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
